Slipping in and out

...of consciousness... coming back to life now and then...

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of live and the seeds of change were planted

Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but
I took a heavenly ride through one silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

These are lyrics from 'Coming back to life' by Pink Floyd. It is so appropriate to my life as its being lived out now. I feel like a small speck being tossed around by the waves of life. I know not where I'm going. I have vague distant memories of where people tell me I come from. Now and then I have glimpses of what I'm supposed to be doing in my life. I'm told what and who I'm supposed to be. All this makes no sense. For a human being it will. Who started to put the idea into this head that I'm human? Who started to dislodge this mistaken idea?

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what youre told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, dont tell me theres no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.

This wall that is spoken of is a mental barrier. The wall is too high for most of us simply because we feel uncomfortable living in completely empty space. Cause without confines we feel that there is nothing we can call our own. If we think there's somebody or someone beyond the wall who can help us, we're mistaken. In togetherness we stand, sit and do everything just the way it should be, divided, we're as good as minutae... always struggling.

Run, rabbit, run
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Dont sit down, its time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race toward an early grave.

For, we're all but rabbits digging hole after hole. Digging, filling, filling, digging. There's no end. Just cause the rabbit next hole has a bigger hole. Just cause it works harder and goes deeper. Deep into its own grave.

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

There's no time when the secret doesn't exist. There's no time when its too early, but there's always that its too late. Cry for the moon, but know the dark side is your own dark mind. Shine on through till the next moment, revelling in the craze of reflected light, like a diamond that knows no joy but to reflect everything that surrounds it, in a complex fashion unfathomable!

Pink floyd.. they've gone through all the deep complex thoughts most of us go through.. yet, they're enigmas, cause there's beauty in the way they express themselves and strike a resonant cord with all of creation striving for perfection!

Effect of food on the mind

There is a definite link, as I experience time and again. Yet, like a fool I overeat or eat junk food most of the time. Now is a rare instance when it's been 6 hours since I had anything to eat. I am not hungry now, not full either, but feel quite satisfied. As in all things in life, this is a mental game. A few years back I used to watch what hunger really is. It is nothing but the mind creating an urge for filling the stomach, an urge that goes beyond what the body actually needs. For most of us who do not indulge in heavy physical work, the body really needs only 1/3rd of what we consume as food. In fact it is proven (and of course intuitive!) that feeding oneself less than what's considered 'normal' prolongs the life span of cells & delaying ageing. Why is that so hard to believe.. when it's obvious that giving every single cell in the body less work than it needs to do should make them more efficient? Is it because we as humans tend to believe our efficiency is at peak when we're over burdened?

There is a reason why most major religions include fasting as a necessary act of purification both mental and physical. Here, when I'm away from home it is indeed very hard to eat healthy. The food that I eat makes me nauseated at times - for instance greasy pizzas, cheese filled pot roasts.. the list is yuck in terms of healthy mind-body, but tasty for the tongue! Today I'm observing my own state in this experiment - the mind is able to think very clearly, there are no random thoughts, there is peace, a sense of being an intelligent being and so on. As I write this blog, the thoughts are flowing very smoothly like a stream that's used to doing what it does best - flow! It does of course help that I had an afternoon nap of 3 hours that totally boosted the energy of this time-space coordinate. That sleep was amazing... there was such a great feeling of flying.. of being flight rather than an object in flight :-). During my periods of reducing food consumption, I'd also noticed that together with a bit of silence and contemplation, the clarity of thought is so great that you are able to take decisions even on topics that you know nothing about. For instance, when you're in an area where you need to choose between 3 roads... in such a state you end up making the right choice at a rate that disproves mere coincidences. As it is widely known in the world of duality, everything, each minute object is coloured by gunas or qualities classified into sattva, rajas and tamas, or more commonly good or bad. When one eats sattvic food, for instance fruits, the energy concentrated in the body-mind becomes refined enabling one to drawing closer towards killing the ego-mind and opening up infinite possibilities. Thus, the breathing which again is intimately linked to the mind becomes very deep and rhythmic as well. With the stomach not over working trying to digest food, abdomenal breathing becomes natural.

I hope to ensure this strict regimen, but discipline is lacking. Its hard to come by in a foreign country, far away from home with lots of restrictions! But, I'll keep striving...

Suffering due to computers :-(

I am currently suffering a lot from repititive stress injury. Why did it happen to me instead of the zillions who're working just fine with computers? I really don't know.. it's not that I work too many hours or in crappier conditions than others. It's just like any disease that strikes few people & leaves few unharmed.

When I rotate my right wrist, I hear too many sounds.. ones that my left wrist doesn't make.. & sounds that I know are due to this reason cause I feel distinctly a loss of flexibility & rigidity in movement that is unnatural. I have a small bump on the top of my wrist.. a swelling that has appeared very recently. Sometimes I feel a pain in my arm and beyond the elbow as well. Sometimes my hand quivers when I hold a cup after working all day at the computer. Many a times my mind wants to work & produce results.. but my body does not comply. Then all I do is sit idly & look outside.

I've tried many positions, read up a bit about ergonomics. But its not been of much use. Nothing seems to really help like taking a semi-permanent or permanent break.

My entire future may be at stake due to this injury. I know there isn't really any cure. Most people cant even imagine that computers can do this to you. Most doctors think its preposterous. I may never be able to write blogs. Never again check emails. Never keep in touch with friends. Never be able to work or earn a decent salary. Never buy anything online or improve my knowledge. Its pitiable that ebooks are coming up. That assignments even for school kids are nowadays all computer related. Its worse in advanced countries where the move is to even use computers for buying groceries to watching favourite tv programs online. In fact, I can hardly think of any profession that doesn't use computers. Even doctors these days are forced to read voluminous tomes on the computer. It is only due to lack of facilities like in a third world country that some profession might not mandate use of computers!

Then again, all this may sound like exaggeration. Maybe it is to a certain extent when I prophesize a gloomy future due to this ailment. But I do know my arms and hands really ache & nerves tinge even as I type this.

I just hope the day is not too far when speech recognition which has been going on for decades is finally perfected. I just hope we can control the computer without making contact with the keyboard or mouse. Just like Tom Cruise controls the computer in Minority report (or is it MI?). But I'm no Tom Cruise, life is no movie & my faith in technology hasn't kept pace with my imagination about what it should do in future. It is eroded when I see that inspite of computers being around for decades, they're yet to make ergonomic I/O devices. It took many years just to get an optical mouse that doesn't need cleaning like carpet with dust. At the high end, there are many advances, but in a company like mine we still use mouse with cords, with balls that need cleaning (LOL)... there's a big disconnect between mass produced consumer goods at reasonable rates & high end research that is done merely to get grants...anyway.. this is digressing from the main topic :-)

In the end, this is just a dream, like everything else. Only way to avoid a nightmare is to dream consciously of pleasant events...!